My Nightly Ritual

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I know a lot of other mothers say that they feel relieved when their child falls asleep at night – they feel accomplished and can relax knowing their child is safe and peacefully sleeping.  I don’t often feel like that.  At the end of the day I feel grateful for our day together and sad that it’s over.  At night I always remind myself that childhood is temporary and every day is a gift. 

I guess this is why everyday without fail I ask myself the same question:  Am I a good mom? 

It doesn’t matter what happened that day, I always ask.  I always worry that maybe I’m not.  Even on wonderful days, days when Arianna’s smile never leaves her face, I go back and reevaluate and wonder if there was something that I should have done differently.  Some days there are obvious things that I did wrong – maybe I forgot to check her diaper often enough, or I let her watch too much television, or I lost my patience.  Other days it’s not so easy to figure out where I went wrong, but if I think hard enough, I can always think of something – like rushing through a storybook, for example, or not acting excited enough about the “meal” she “cooked” for me in her kitchen.

After, I think about tomorrow – about what I can do to make up for the shortcomings of that day, how I will ensure that I handle those situations better in the future. 

Then I think about what I did right that day.  And I let myself be proud of the positives.

I started my daily ritual of questioning whether or not I’m a good mom the day Arianna was born.   And every single day, whether our day was happy or sad, fun or boring, busy or laid back, I have reached the same conclusion.  Even though I do things wrong sometimes, I acknowledge them and I change them.  But more importantly, at the end of every day, I know without a doubt my daughter knows that she is loved, she is important, and that I would do anything for her.  And because every day she knows that, I know that I am, in fact, a good mom.